Empty Chair

Whilst sunning myself in the garden yesterday with a stack of Red magazines (kindly provided by Maureen) I came across an article called  the ‘Empty Chair Technique’ –  they were saying that instead of keeping your anger and frustrations inside, to voice it instead but not to the actual person whose pissed you off, just to an empty chair – a bit like writing a letter to someone and never sending it. (I don’t see the point personally.) As Honey was ranting in my ear endlessly, I read him the article and I suggested that instead of ranting on at me, he could rant to the empty chair, ‘But that’s exactly what I’m doing, I am talking to an empty chair.’ Oh … I’ve always thought I was brick wall…

“Chaos precedes enlightenment”

Royal Jelly

Quite by chance I met a very interesting old lady this week – Madame RJ arrived by phone call through an old acquiantance who suggested that I could be her full time PA/secretary – now that’s a laugh in itself; I class myself as an ‘audio typist’, ‘PA/secretary’ duties are way beyond me (this I know from bitter experience). I was however able to offer a much better solution; my friend Taz who’s been looking proactively for work for the last few months; a perfect match. As Taz was going to be away until today and Madame was ‘desperate’ for a bit of admin as her guy had let her down, I told her that I was not really up to it but that I’d come and see if I could help. I was relieved to find that her man slave had decided to come in and not leave her in the lurch and that I didn’t in fact have to do any work for her. I was with her for two and a half hours while she read me all her press from back in the day when she had introduced Royal Jelly to the Royals. I came home with a bottle of the Royal Jelly potion and some OxyLife drops that need to be put in 1.5 litres of water daily and drunk – I NEVER drink water! This is my third day of drinking all that water and I’ve even got a thirst for it, I can feel myself getting younger and feeling more alive! So the scoop is that the Royal Jelly will make my skin youthful, prevent and even reverse grey hair, improve eyesight and a whole host of other benefits. Taz returned from her holiday and has secured a job with the nice old lady, so everyone’s happy.

BENEFITS:-

• Stimulate better memory and mental function

• Increase sexual vitality and rejuvenation

• Increase vigor and physical strength

• Regulate and balance hormonal activity and increase fertility

• Normalize blood pressure

• Improve skin smoothness and elasticity

• Regenerate bone tissue

• Promote building of soft tissues and muscles

• Enhance wound healing

• Decrease arthritic symptoms

• Protect the liver

• Decrease depression and calm anxiety

• Stimulate the immune system to fight infections and tumors

• Lower cholesterol and blood lipid levels

• Stimulate production of red blood cells

• Prevent hair loss

• Help in some CNS disorders including Parkinson’s Disease

OWD

I have OWD – Obsessive Weed Disorder. I am self diagnosed. I need the following, everything has to be just so:-

1. Weed

2. Green Rizla (Kingsize)

3. B&H

4. Clipper lighter – they’re not as good as they used to be, they’ve changed the wheel and it hurts your thumb – also, for some reason they hardly give you any flint!

This week I have stressed myself out by changing a) tobacco and b) using a cheap and nasty little electronic lighter – it alters the whole experience and it feels uncomfortable – at the time of writing these issues have been addressed.

OWD drives me round the bend, it keeps me rolling from morning ’til night, when I have to take myself by the hand and say (aloud), ‘Enough, I can’t possibly get any more stoned!?’, even though I don’t really ‘feel’ it, ever.

I love the smell of weed but I am totally desensitised to it – just today Honey said, ‘It stinks of weed in here!’ but I can’t smell a thing. I know that every other fucker can smell it; like in Waitrose the other day, I had a chipped spliff in my hand and five pre-rolls (I was going up to town with Maureen and LJ), customers and staff were sniffing the air, ‘It’s me, sorry’, I said to the cashier, ‘It’s okay,’ she said, ‘we like it.’ I was walking down Oxford Street, when someone burst out of the crowd and pretended to be a copper and asked me if I was smoking marijuana – I pretended I didn’t understand him – Doc told me that if you really get stopped that you’re to tell them that you’re a ‘habitual smoker’ and that makes it alright (my GP can corroborate).

Sparrow was asking how come I’ve not been writing about my weed habit lately and that’s basically because things have been on track for months, there’s been no adversity, the weed has been good and continuous, I now score an extra bag; I feed the weed monster and all is well.

* I’M IN THE ZONE *

 

B&H

My tobacco of choice is B&H Gold – I have smoked that particular brand since I was 15. I only ever smoke a  cigarette as a cigarette when I get caught short, preferring only to smoke spliff. I have a bit of a cough at the moment and the B&H were feeling a bit too heavy on my chest – they’re 10mg nicotine, 10mg tar and a fuck load of carbon monoxide. Last week I tried a few spliffs with Marlboro Silver – they’re something like 4mg nictotine and 4mg tar and the rest of it; they felt much easier on my chest, so seeing as I ran out of duty free this week, I bought a packet of the Marlboro Silver. I am afraid to say that they do not suffice in the slightest, I’m definitely not getting my nicotine hit and it feels like smoking air. I don’t like it.

* WHATEVER BRAND YOU SMOKE *

Disappointing Bacon

‘Disappointing’ and ‘bacon’ in the same breath!? It was worth mentioning the first time but twice in one week!? On Monday me and Maureen cooked our bacon rolls in OC’s kitchen. The error was in my choice of bacon – I had in my hand some streaky unsmoked bacon, tried and tested, delicious. However, out of the corner of my eye I spied a package with some very lean looking bacon, organic and I took a punt, putting back the pack of deliciousness. I knew straight away that it was going to be disappointing; there was no sizzle, no  fat on it to stop it sticking to the pan; dry fried!? When it looked like it should be cooked no more (slightly browned) I popped it into the rolls; no grease soaking into the bread, just dry, chewy and unsatisfying, a real struggle. As if that wasn’t enough, today I went to Trent Park cafe with LP. We both ordered a ‘bacon bap’  - although I do know better than to have a bap, after a similar but not the same experience just a few weeks ago with H; baps are floury and disgusting; always choose a roll. The baps arrived and the bacon had been incinerated and was barely edible, I’m lucky I didn’t break a tooth. So there you have it, two disappointing bacon occasions in one week; vigilance is required.

* ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT *

Diddy Catz

I haven’t told you about Diddy Catz – we found Diddy on the internet, a five year old medium long haired tabby. He has been living with us since last Saturday, when we collected him from the animal shelter. His owners had ‘moved away’ (wankers) and had dumped him. He had been at the shelter for about five days when we went to visit him for the first time last Monday – we were met with a very miserable cat, who the staff were afraid of because he seemed a bit scratchy and bitey – basically because he was pissed off!

* Abandoned Diddy *

We left, vowing to return on the Friday with Son, so he could give Diddy the once over. When we arrived, Diddy had been moved to an outside enclosure where he had hidden and wouldn’t come out. As we weren’t sure of his nature we came to an arrangement to foster him for 4-6 weeks and see how he does in a home environment. We brought him home on Saturday and now it’s day four and Diddy is starting to come out of his shell and his depression is lifting. He spends most of his time under Lurky’s bed but he’s venturing out now and again and being sociable – he is a gentle giant with an edge. I love Diddy Catz, I’m going to adopt him – I just hope he doesn’t take a piss on the leather sofa again tonight!

* i-Diddy *

I am One

Wow, Lazypuffhead is one year old today! I have written 166 posts. It has had 4,505 views! Apart from smoking weed (exactly 70 spliffs a week), typing (when the work comes in) and nightly walks (seven years, same route) I have never been so consistent. I absolutely love blogging, I have had moments where I’ve had writer’s block, verbal diareah, posts I’ve trashed, posts I’ve written only in my head, posts I’ve published and pulled down, posts I’ve written to mark a date and then gone back to re-write. I have had moments where I’ve had stage fright, thinking of ‘all the people’ who could be reading my blog, where I’ve been unable to produce anything worth publishing, I’ve had stories that I’d have loved to have told but found I had to be diplomatic (self preservation). I find that I write best when I’m feeling incensed in some way, that’s probably why there’s a lot of expletives, although I do use them quite liberally in real life too. I like a silver lining, I like to see good where there is bad and that’s something I’ve become quite attuned to. I have really enjoyed reading the work of other bloggers on Word Press, my ‘reader’ is full and varied and I display them in my side bar (looks pretty too). I love the ‘tag’ function because you just never know who’s going to come across your blog inadvertently – sometimes it makes me laugh when I’m reading my stats  to see how my visitors have found me by googling things like ‘naked women’, ‘weed’, ‘Ideal Home Exhibition’ and ‘Magic 105.4′ – nice surprise for someone (or not). So into its second year, I am pleased with my small following because sometimes there’s really no-one looking and that gives me confidence to write as honestly as I dare.