Bottom of the Barrel

Okay, so I went to bed last night, had a good night’s sleep. I woke up this morning and felt a little groggy. I must admit that I do wake up groggy every day, except the first thing I do is go into the garden and take a couple of tokes and balance myself. Of course this morning I did not have my morning spliff. I took Son to school and when I got home had a few errands to run. I grabbed my bag, keys, fags, lighter and felt like I had forgotten something. ‘Oh yeah’, I thought, ‘I’d usually roll a spliff’ and I actually felt relief; relief that I could leave the house without the ritual. I had a good morning, feeling positive and upbeat about my abstinence. However, at 1.00, I had a pang, a great big pang, a pang that made me feel like crying. I needed a spliff. At the very bottom of my weed box was a few crumbs mixed with tobacco, so I skinned it up and smoked it. Instant relief, mixed with sadness – so now I’m stoned AND sad. There is one more spliff at the bottom of my box, it’s only a weeny one. I want to smoke it now. I probably will smoke it very shortly. So, after that one there really is no more left, unless I go hunting around on the floor and in the carpet, looking for  crumbs. So today I must not score under any circumstances. I will not score. I will try my best not to. I will be strong. I will not score.