Last Friday me and Maureen took ourselves to Earl’s Court to the Ideal Home Show (Christmas) – yes, I went there again after saying I never would but the thought of strawberries and marshmallows covered in melted chocolate spurred me on and I was not disappointed. There is one area in the exhibition into which I must not wander, for it is there that I am wooed by strange cosmetics, usually to the tune of around £100 but on this occasion I was safe, ‘Don’t worry’, said Maureen, as she told another recoiling salesman that she ‘absolutely hated’ his product, ‘You’re with me today.’ As we walked around the same block about three times we came across a stall selling silk pillow cases, claiming to rid you of wrinkles – the pitch is that silk doesn’t crease your face up when you’re asleep, enabling you to awaken not looking like a crumpled tissue. A flawless skinned Japanese lady popped up like the shop-keeper in Mr Ben, dressed in a silk dressing gown of puce colour; a wrinkle-less vision. Maureen and I gazed longingly at her waxy, porcelain complexion and made an offer, 2 for £40, she accepted £45 and no sooner had the transaction completed, she added, ‘It won’t work on existing wrinkles but it will prevent new ones forming’ … ah, okay, not such good news. I got my purchase home, washed it, popped it on my pillow and each day since I have woken up with it on the floor because the bloody thing’s slid off the bed. Next year I am just taking enough money for a burger and my chocolate kebab.