Epiphany

Epiphany

1. When you’re really stoned and realise something.

2. An epiphany is the sudden realisation or comprehension of the larger essence or meaning of something – “Oh shit, I’ve seriously got to stop puffing!”

Epiphany

A major realisation in life – “Oh shit, if I don’t stop spending money I haven’t got on weed, I am going to be back to where I was before Honey kindly paid off my hefty overdraft by Christmas!”

Epiphany

A sudden realisation of great truth.

This week I have had the following epiphanies:-

1. I cannot afford my drug habit.

2. My drug habit has made me a prisoner of my own making.

3. Until I give up weed I cannot buy the things that I need or visit the places that I’d like to.

4. I need to take responsibility and ‘help out around here’.

Epiphany

A smart-sounding word for realising you’ve been stoned for practically your whole life.

Epiphany

“Realisation or sudden insight or revelation, that is often a catalyst to change in a person’s life or actions.”

I have been waiting for an epiphany and am surprised to realise that it’s not like a bolt from the blue – my dream to wake up one day and think ‘hmmm, do you know what, I don’t fancy a spliff today’ was not how it happened. It has just come to the end of a process which has taken, let me see, just under 30 years to complete its cycle! I have become increasingly frustrated with my habit, putting the financial aspect to one side – one would think that if one smoked weed from morning until late into the night that one would be highly stoned? This is not the case. I rarely feel stoned. The only time I feel stoned is when I haven’t had anything particularly nice for a while (and nice costs just as much as not nice because the dealers pretend that it is nice and ‘no-one else has complained …’) and then you have something a bit tasty, then you get stoned, but only on the first one. So this is what I’m saying – what is the point of spending all this money that I’m not earning, to not get stoned? The only reason that I know I must be stoned is that I’m not craving for a joint, so it must be doing something? So that’s a major reason.

Secondly, I have become increasingly agitated because one would think that one would smoke a joint to relax and take away the stresses of life (which in my case are probably all caused because of the puff) – but no, this is not the case – I am totally unable to relax; it is impossible for me to sit and watch a movie or watch something for long on the TV – (thank the lord for catch-up and pause TV and of course now with my iPad I can actually sit and watch TV in the garden and smoke; now that’s progress! – because I need to get up for a puff and ten minutes prior to actually getting up for a puff, it’s on my mind, nagging away at me until I have no choice but to get up). On a Friday and Saturday night (because I don’t have to get up in the morning) I like nothing better than to watch the TV and slumber in and out of sleep, waking up every now and then to take a hefty puff out of the window and go back to slumbering; it is highly disappointing for me to crash out for the night, thereby foregoing this pleasurable experience. As with TV, as with reading a book; I cannot sit and read it without getting up and down 1500 times, until I’m dizzy and absolutely sick of the whole thing; it’s like being on a hamster’s wheel.

Over the years I have observed other people, socially and in the workplace, and I have often marvelled at how they can go about their daily lives and not ever have to stop and think about having a spliff – and those that do can wait until they get home before they have their first spliff, no problem. I used to chain smoke spliff outside the back of my office block just around the corner from home and in the summer there used to be a few complaints that the smoke was making people’s offices stink and someone once commented, ‘it smells like Bob Marley’s boudoir in here!’. I used to think,’how come they don’t need to smoke spliff all day and I do?’.

Obviously in my younger days I was a social smoker, all my family and friends smoked and any friends I made smoked, so it was cool. However, today I have only a few who partake. The majority of the time I am with people who don’t smoke fags, let alone weed. All of them, bar none and their mothers, bar one, are perfectly accepting of my habit. I have no problem skinning up wherever I am, I really don’t give a shit. And they don’t give a shit either, although on some occasions I feel a little sheepish.

I was speaking to a close friend this week who had given up for more than six years but has now started to dabble again – she suggested that I take three months off, ‘just to see’ – she said, ‘maybe after three months you’ll find that you really want to smoke but how will you know if you don’t see what it’s like without it?’ Although my Honey has said that on many occasions, this time it just struck me that this doesn’t have to be so hard, in fact it could be easy, just a decision to abstain through choice, just for a short period (in the scheme of things …) and see how I feel about it then. I have friends and know people who are having to abstain from things that are bad for them, making the decision to give themselves a chance. It just seemed to make sense. It is true that I have abstained maybe on two or three occasions over the years and it is also true that I KNOW I will feel better, which makes it all the more ridiculous to continue smoking.

The position as it is currently – I have enough weed to last me until Monday latest. I know myself well enough to know that I couldn’t ‘put it away’ (like my strong willed pal, M) and leave it until I ‘fancy’ it, so it will be a case of not going out to score when I get down to two spliffs. I know that as I write this I am comfortable, there’s still weed and I know that the temptation will be driving me round the twist (maybe, maybe not) but that is where I am going to draw the line. You see I am at war with the dealers (not the weed) – and by ‘dealers’, these are my friends, so don’t get me wrong,I don’t mean them personally – I am refusing to give them any more of the money I have not got and that is where I am going to draw my will from. I’m looking on the bright side, I can treat myself to one lovely thing a week and whatever that lovely thing is, it’s not going to be a quarter of what I spend on smoking, so I’m going to be quids in.

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2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Ocifer Dibble on September 16, 2012 at 10:47 am

    What a beautiful written tapestry of though I am sure there is not a person in the world who won’t find a personal message from G D in your museings let’s hope it becomes action was nice knowing you and I shall remain the last die hard stoner on earth “woe is me” and saved art thou…..

    Reply

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