Maureens to the Rescue

Maureen’s rapidly ageing father, Edmund, is driving her around the twist. Now that he is retired he spends most of his time indoors, listening to sport on the radio and sport on the TV – in fact, not a big difference to before he retired. When we were kids he always had a radio glued to his ear. He will even wake up at 4.00 a.m. to watch the rugby. Edmund rings Maureen at least eight times a day to complain that he has a weird taste in his mouth, he’s breathless and he feels listless and lack-lustre (not necessarily all at the same time). Since she is the only person he can rely on in the whole wide world, he is making her nerves bad to say the least. After a stressful day in Jack Wills, being treated like shit by a fat tart of a shop assistant, she arrived at my house. She had been calling Edmund all afternoon but there had been no answer and by 8.00, Honey said that she should go to see if he was okay. So me and Maureen shot over there. When we arrived the flat was in darkness. We rang the bell and then we let ourselves in. We knocked on the  flat door and then we went inside, Maureen held the door so it didn’t bang shut. I flicked on the hall light and established that he wasn’t laying on the floor, so that was a touch. We ventured in further and banged on his closed bedroom door and just waited, giggling nervously. I could hear the sport playing on the radio, comforting. We banged again and then a little voice from beyond the door said, ‘Hello?’ We breathed a sigh of relief. When we opened the door, Edmund was sitting with his legs out of the bed, mumbling, ‘I was asleep!’ He quickly bounced back into bed and pulled the duvet over his head. ‘Did you think I was dead?’ he called from inside the duvet. When I popped my head around the door to say,’Goodbye’, Edmund was beaming and looked just like a naughty six year old boy; cheeky and adorable. Being a nanny (for her sins), Maureen has experience with children, so all is well – funnily enough, one of her current charges bears a striking resemblance to Boris Johnson.

** HE’S A BABY **

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