Gaunt Monkey

My friend Winnie is bare-faced rude and insulting. She never tires of telling me that my skin looks dehydrated and that I really need to drink more water (like I give a fuck) – you should see the state of her, I could wipe the floor with her if I chose to be so rude (she’s as big as a bloke and when she walks she looks like Mr Strong). During the summer she came over and she threw no less than three insults at Honey in quick succession (which I did find hilarious but he did not). To avoid it happening again, I decided  to downgrade our friendship to an occasional coffee or breakfast not on home turf, her privileges denied (even though I did not actually communicate this to her). On Saturday afternoon, she picked me up to go to Starbucks and as I stepped into her car, her first words to me were, ‘You look like a gaunt monkey’ – ‘I actually look like an ape?’ – ‘Yes’, was her simple reply. Had she said, ‘You look like a gaunt camel’, well, that would have been like water off a camel’s back but ‘monkey’ touched a nerve somewhat – it is true that there are several female members of my family who do in fact look like various members of the ape family. To illustrate to Honey that Winnie is indiscriminate when it comes to making people feel like shit, I shared this most personal of insults, to which he replied, ‘Which one are you? … Chimpanzee?’

I'm a monkey

** MY MUM’S AN ORANGUTAN **

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