I’m not one for resolutions, perhaps due to some arrogance that everything I do is wonderful and what could I possibly want to change. I suppose it’s only when something presses my buttons that I feel it perhaps needs looking at instead of brushing it under the carpet. There are lots of things that I would like to do, including taking trips to visit people (whether afar or nearer, in Brighton, or even East Barnet or Arkley) but I seriously can’t be arsed, yet a lot of the time I am bored shitless and would really benefit from doing things. My can’t be arsed-ness extends to holidays; I just can’t get it together, I’ll have a host of excuses that result in me standing still. I find the smallest chore an effort, just the mere thought of it sending me over the edge. I suspect that it is my consumption of weed that has rendered me this way. I have smoked so much that I never feel stoned any more; I just feel generally drained and de-motivated. To put a brake on it in any way will only result in my doing it more, so I don’t want to rock the boat – even the thought that perhaps I’ll only smoke in the evenings makes me shudder and reach for my tin. I wish I could understand why something that makes me feel generally bad is still so tempting and I can’t leave it alone. So I will not ‘resolve’ to do anything about it but I am thinking about it.




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