Posts Tagged ‘Faith’

Now We Are 2

Hooray, lazypuffhead is two years old today! Perhaps it has become a misnomer, as, frankly, I’m not as lazy as I once thought I was. Yes, I puff but that is not what defines me. Yes, I make errors but so does everyone else and they don’t even have an excuse! So perhaps I am easing up on myself a bit and realising that I’m only human and not such a terrible one at that. I feel the ‘lazy’, ‘bored’ period has now, at long last, started drifting away and a better me, still the same me, still the puffing me, is emerging. Whilst I was away in Spain last week, I visualised a better job waiting for me when I came home and another client or two – the day after I came home, I got a job offer from one of my clients, one that entails them actually wanting ‘another pair of eyes’ on their projects, something I’ve never been asked for in all these years of transcribing. That same day I got another new client, work should be arriving this week. At the same time I have been pre booked for work throughout the summer and things are better than they’ve been since before the country went broke. In terms of the ’emotional guidance scale’, I am now above ‘boredom’, which is the realm of excitement and expectation and there are no lions on my path, only angels.


Some Things You Need to Know

This week I stumbled across a website called Marc & Angel Hack Life.

I am sharing one of their posts because I thought it was beautiful and it touched me.

“I know you’re reading this. And I want you to know I’m writing this for you. Others will be confused. They will think I’m writing this for them. But I’m not.

This one’s for you.

I want you to know that life is not easy. Every day is an unpredictable challenge. Some days it can be difficult to simply get out of bed in the morning. To face reality and put on that smile. But I want you to know, your smile has kept me going on more days than I can count. Never forget that, even through the toughest times, you are incredible. You really are.

So smile more often. You have so many reasons to. Time and again, my reason is you.

You won’t always be perfect. Neither will I. Because nobody is perfect, and nobody deserves to be perfect. Nobody has it easy, everybody has issues. You will never know exactly what I’m going through. And I will never know exactly what you’re going through. We are all fighting our own unique war.

But we are fighting through it simultaneously, together.

Whenever somebody discredits you, and tells you that you can’t do something, keep in mind that they are speaking from within the boundaries of their own limitations. Ignore them. Don’t give in. In this crazy world that’s trying to make you like everyone else, find the courage to keep being your awesome self. And when they laugh at you for being different, laugh back at them for being the same.

Remember, our courage doesn’t always roar aloud. Sometimes it’s the quiet voice at the end of the day whispering, “I will try again tomorrow.” So stand strong. Things turn out best for people who make the best out of the way things turn out.

And I am committed to making the best of it along with you.”

Me of Little Faith

It has been absolute months since I last saw my Jehova friends. I thought I had shaken them off by not responding to the odd text and email that Beth sent me and I was feeling confident that they had got the message that Bible study at 10.30 on a Sunday morning was not really my thing after all. However, lulled into a false sense of security, I received an email from Beth, saying that she had been low level ill and that was why she had been out of touch. I ignored it.

This evening, over a cup of tea, my friend Fleegle asked what had become of my Bible study and I told him what had happened and how I had kept ignoring the messages. ‘You ought to get in touch with them,’ he said, ‘else they’ll be round here thinking something bad’s happened to you.’ It had crossed my mind that that could just happen and how embarrassing would that be?

My only saving grace – and I’m scrapping the bottom of the barrel here – is that Honey DID warn them in no uncertain terms that I was ‘flaky’ and this Bible study charade was just that. And they did sit there and acknowledge that even if that was the case, no time spent with ‘precious’ me was wasted. So they asked for it? I just can’t help myself, when I switch off, I switch off – it’s definitely a recurring pattern. So, before matters potentially escalate, I sent her an email, just to make things clear:-

“Hi Beth .. I’m so sorry I have not been in touch at all. I hope you are better now. As you know, I kind of lost the ‘connection’ with all the godliness stuff and I really didn’t want to waste yours and Ron’s time [true]. I just wanted to say that obviously we struck up a friendship and it doesn’t feel right to just say, ‘Oh, I’m not into that any more’ and just never speak to you again but, like I say, I don’t really fancy studying the Bible any more and didn’t want to continue, although I defo enjoyed the Sundays we did sit together [less true]… anyway, if you’re passing, please feel free to knock on the door and come in for coffee and a catch up and again, apologies for flaking out on you and I would not like for you to think I didn’t really like you and Ron because of course I do [hmmmmm] xxxx”



Jonathan Said

This is my horoscope for this week, written by Jonathan Cainer, who is my hero:-

“Don’t worry about what seems to be ending; consider what is beginning. You are moving away from an arrangement or an agreement that has been unsatisfactory for some while, even though it has provided a degree of superficial stability. Now there is uncertainty and a sense of tension. But this is helping you get closer to a much brighter and more helpful possibility; an understanding that goes very deep and proves most fulfilling. Forget how things were and don’t be afraid of how things may soon change.”

See, so Jonathan said, so it must be true. Back on the wagon tomorrow, will smoke what I’ve got now … will try not to leave a crumb but can’t guarantee it.




1. When you’re really stoned and realise something.

2. An epiphany is the sudden realisation or comprehension of the larger essence or meaning of something – “Oh shit, I’ve seriously got to stop puffing!”


A major realisation in life – “Oh shit, if I don’t stop spending money I haven’t got on weed, I am going to be back to where I was before Honey kindly paid off my hefty overdraft by Christmas!”


A sudden realisation of great truth.

This week I have had the following epiphanies:-

1. I cannot afford my drug habit.

2. My drug habit has made me a prisoner of my own making.

3. Until I give up weed I cannot buy the things that I need or visit the places that I’d like to.

4. I need to take responsibility and ‘help out around here’.


A smart-sounding word for realising you’ve been stoned for practically your whole life.


“Realisation or sudden insight or revelation, that is often a catalyst to change in a person’s life or actions.”

I have been waiting for an epiphany and am surprised to realise that it’s not like a bolt from the blue – my dream to wake up one day and think ‘hmmm, do you know what, I don’t fancy a spliff today’ was not how it happened. It has just come to the end of a process which has taken, let me see, just under 30 years to complete its cycle! I have become increasingly frustrated with my habit, putting the financial aspect to one side – one would think that if one smoked weed from morning until late into the night that one would be highly stoned? This is not the case. I rarely feel stoned. The only time I feel stoned is when I haven’t had anything particularly nice for a while (and nice costs just as much as not nice because the dealers pretend that it is nice and ‘no-one else has complained …’) and then you have something a bit tasty, then you get stoned, but only on the first one. So this is what I’m saying – what is the point of spending all this money that I’m not earning, to not get stoned? The only reason that I know I must be stoned is that I’m not craving for a joint, so it must be doing something? So that’s a major reason.

Secondly, I have become increasingly agitated because one would think that one would smoke a joint to relax and take away the stresses of life (which in my case are probably all caused because of the puff) – but no, this is not the case – I am totally unable to relax; it is impossible for me to sit and watch a movie or watch something for long on the TV – (thank the lord for catch-up and pause TV and of course now with my iPad I can actually sit and watch TV in the garden and smoke; now that’s progress! – because I need to get up for a puff and ten minutes prior to actually getting up for a puff, it’s on my mind, nagging away at me until I have no choice but to get up). On a Friday and Saturday night (because I don’t have to get up in the morning) I like nothing better than to watch the TV and slumber in and out of sleep, waking up every now and then to take a hefty puff out of the window and go back to slumbering; it is highly disappointing for me to crash out for the night, thereby foregoing this pleasurable experience. As with TV, as with reading a book; I cannot sit and read it without getting up and down 1500 times, until I’m dizzy and absolutely sick of the whole thing; it’s like being on a hamster’s wheel.

Over the years I have observed other people, socially and in the workplace, and I have often marvelled at how they can go about their daily lives and not ever have to stop and think about having a spliff – and those that do can wait until they get home before they have their first spliff, no problem. I used to chain smoke spliff outside the back of my office block just around the corner from home and in the summer there used to be a few complaints that the smoke was making people’s offices stink and someone once commented, ‘it smells like Bob Marley’s boudoir in here!’. I used to think,’how come they don’t need to smoke spliff all day and I do?’.

Obviously in my younger days I was a social smoker, all my family and friends smoked and any friends I made smoked, so it was cool. However, today I have only a few who partake. The majority of the time I am with people who don’t smoke fags, let alone weed. All of them, bar none and their mothers, bar one, are perfectly accepting of my habit. I have no problem skinning up wherever I am, I really don’t give a shit. And they don’t give a shit either, although on some occasions I feel a little sheepish.

I was speaking to a close friend this week who had given up for more than six years but has now started to dabble again – she suggested that I take three months off, ‘just to see’ – she said, ‘maybe after three months you’ll find that you really want to smoke but how will you know if you don’t see what it’s like without it?’ Although my Honey has said that on many occasions, this time it just struck me that this doesn’t have to be so hard, in fact it could be easy, just a decision to abstain through choice, just for a short period (in the scheme of things …) and see how I feel about it then. I have friends and know people who are having to abstain from things that are bad for them, making the decision to give themselves a chance. It just seemed to make sense. It is true that I have abstained maybe on two or three occasions over the years and it is also true that I KNOW I will feel better, which makes it all the more ridiculous to continue smoking.

The position as it is currently – I have enough weed to last me until Monday latest. I know myself well enough to know that I couldn’t ‘put it away’ (like my strong willed pal, M) and leave it until I ‘fancy’ it, so it will be a case of not going out to score when I get down to two spliffs. I know that as I write this I am comfortable, there’s still weed and I know that the temptation will be driving me round the twist (maybe, maybe not) but that is where I am going to draw the line. You see I am at war with the dealers (not the weed) – and by ‘dealers’, these are my friends, so don’t get me wrong,I don’t mean them personally – I am refusing to give them any more of the money I have not got and that is where I am going to draw my will from. I’m looking on the bright side, I can treat myself to one lovely thing a week and whatever that lovely thing is, it’s not going to be a quarter of what I spend on smoking, so I’m going to be quids in.

Potted Week

Like the weather, my week was totally up and down, in and out and round and round. It was the week from hell, whilst being fine at the same time – at least.

I got embroiled in a mega drama with Barry and the whole business venture thing – I chose to ignore him this week because he basically can’t deliver on the product we’re meant to be selling – can’t deliver, full stop. He decided he wanted to give our one and only client (luckily my friends) their money back and admitted defeat, while on the other hand thinking that I’m going to spend another day of my life going out  to sell a product that doesn’t exist or can’t be executed. As far as he’s concerned I’m now busy until further notice, if not forever.

I then had a bloody embarrassing afternoon, where I had invited a friend round who me and Honey hadn’t seen for absolute yonks, like 15 years or so and we were so happy to entertain our guest – however, a naughty friend of ours also came round with his chips from the chippy and slung some shit (not literally) at our guest, who was totally bewildered and baffled – and I  so  totally wanted the ground to open up and put me out of my misery. I am pleased to report that all is well – my guest was not particularly offended as she thought that he was bonkers (he has been taking a few too many hard drugs lately, as well as not so hard), so it was a pretty fair assessment. I must confess that I did hold a grudge with my naughty friend for a couple of days (he  probably didn’t notice) but he laid low and I called him yesterday and we didn’t mention anything but I’m sure we’ll talk about it when we get the time (he did pop in briefly to smoke the peace pipe).

On Thursday crappy Virgin broadband went down for no apparent reason, just on the week when I’ve got a ton of work (that I seem to be doing for little over minimum wage!!) – I personally would have left it because I just have faith that these things will right themselves but Honey insisted on getting busy with Virgin and our whole day was wasted (making  sure the problem wasn’t at our end, which I knew damn well it wasn’t) and then of course it came back on of its own accord.

This weekend I have worked like a mother-fucker in readiness for another bunch of stuff to transcribe – strike  while the iron’s hot. When things quieten down I think I’ll get some proper clients and then I can get sensible money again. I had a walk this evening, the air was full of the scent of flowers, it was divine.



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