Posts Tagged ‘Family’

Gaunt Monkey

My friend Winnie is bare-faced rude and insulting. She never tires of telling me that my skin looks dehydrated and that I really need to drink more water (like I give a fuck) – you should see the state of her, I could wipe the floor with her if I chose to be so rude (she’s as big as a bloke and when she walks she looks like Mr Strong). During the summer she came over and she threw no less than three insults at Honey in quick succession (which I did find hilarious but he did not). To avoid it happening again, I decided  to downgrade our friendship to an occasional coffee or breakfast not on home turf, her privileges denied (even though I did not actually communicate this to her). On Saturday afternoon, she picked me up to go to Starbucks and as I stepped into her car, her first words to me were, ‘You look like a gaunt monkey’ – ‘I actually look like an ape?’ – ‘Yes’, was her simple reply. Had she said, ‘You look like a gaunt camel’, well, that would have been like water off a camel’s back but ‘monkey’ touched a nerve somewhat – it is true that there are several female members of my family who do in fact look like various members of the ape family. To illustrate to Honey that Winnie is indiscriminate when it comes to making people feel like shit, I shared this most personal of insults, to which he replied, ‘Which one are you? … Chimpanzee?’

I'm a monkey



Fucked Up

Of course dad’s birthday bash is a surprise. And I fucked up in a stoner sort of way. Concerned about the price of fags, I sent an email to both father and brother, urging them to set aside their concerns for my health and bring me some duty free fags next week:-

“I am making a plea for u both to bring me some duty free b&h gold .. I know u will both be opposed but the fact is that they cost over double here now and as I have no intention of quitting, it would make a big difference to me. Dad u know the score. If it will make u both feel better then I will defo pay u for them; not a gift x please consider and comply. See u next week!! x”

‘My visit’s supposed to be a surprise … Div’, my bro responded.

After a brief meltdown during which I urgently verbally abused myself in quick succession via email, I think I may have saved the day by emailing all concerned (or soon to be concerned) parties…

“I am an idiot … I meant to copy in Taffy!!!!! By the way [bro], u can decide to bring when u over in December .. Lol x”

… which kind of backed up the ‘both‘ thing? Soon find out.

** Is the cat in or out? **

High Hopes

If I had written in March, I would have told you that arrangements from the USA for my dad’s surprise 70th birthday, to be held in London late September, were being made by his girlfriend Taffy T. My dad has been married four times in his 70 years but is unwed currently. Being the only member of my birth family to live in the UK, I am used to not being bothered with family related matters, except on the rare visit, where my peace and equilibruim get completely shattered. So in March, upon this news, I Iooked forward with dread to the descent of family members. During the intervening months, arrangements have been made not only for the surprise party but also a brunch the next day, in addition, as it’s a surprise and my dad has no idea, he has arranged his own party on the following Wednesday – three fucking parties!! In an effort to cancel the brunch, my bro – who wants to see Arsenal play that Sunday – urged me to suggest to Taffy that we cancel the brunch and go out for a Chinese that evening instead, ‘just family’ – to which we got a really snotty refusal – wonder if he’ll still go to the footie!? My bro told me that apparently we have to write things that we remember about our dad for a memory book (how American!) – ‘Shall I tell the one where he cracked our heads together for taking sweets? … Or the one where he’d walk into the lounge naked in front of the neighbours’ children on a Saturday morning? … How about the one where he’d drive us home drunk? … Or the one about the woman he brought home one firework night and who wore mum’s clothes? … Or maybe the one where he fucked his best friend’s wife?’ ‘Amazing … What a guy’, he responded. Ah, so many memories, wonder if there’ll be enough space to fit them all in the book? Despite my dad once being a complete cunt, I should add that he’s a reformed character, so with only a week or so to go before the birthday boy’s arrival, I have made a conscious decision to try and behave in a friendly fashion for the duration of their stay and hope that we all get through it unscathed.




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