Posts Tagged ‘Fuck Off’

Bigger Boys

I have an intermittent war with Barnet Council. Over the years family and friends have received tickets for parking outside our house, which we’ve had to appeal, mostly unsuccessfully. A couple of years ago we got a ticket for not getting our resident permit on the car quickly enough; we appealed, received an acknowledgement, the ticket was rescinded and then this year we received a summons saying that it remained unpaid and that they were going to take us to court! Honey went to the MP surgery at the Arts Depot and got the big guns onto it and within a week we had notice that the matter was closed. Although the council admitted that it was their fault that the permit was not here on time and also that due process with regard to our appeal had not been followed, they were ungracious, patronising and unapologetic.

Last Wednesday when La Poppette came to pick me up, a traffic warden (‘CEO’, would you believe!?) popped a ticket on her car. I did keep an eye out of the open front door but when I turned my back for a second, Patawayo did the evil deed. I actually caught him before he had even started writing the ticket but he went ahead and issued it anyway. Honey verbally abused him and then I had a go, Honey got a second wind and then I had another go. After about ten minutes, the warden smiled sweetly, said, ‘Have a nice day’ and ambled away down the middle of the road in the pissing rain. ‘I hope you get run over, you fucking cock!’ were my parting words.

I immediately appealed to the council by email and copied in Mr Big, our local MP and today I received notice that the ticket is no longer payable. Mr Big emailed me a copy of the response to himself and also a copy of a letter to me from the council – the letter to Mr Big said that the warden had been observing the car for three minutes – however, in the letter to me, although it said the same thing, they added that ‘there is not a requirement to observe the vehicle for a period of time’ – so why did he do it then if it was not required!? That’s because he did not in fact wait there for any minutes! ‘Our officers wear uniform and are clearly visible to members of the public’ – not if they’re hiding behind a fucking brick wall they’re not!

The warden, according to the council, said he was approached by two females and a male to ‘discuss’ the ticket – erm, I don’t think so! – he was approached by two females and a male before he’d even issued the ticket and there was certainly no ‘discussion’. They said that a ‘full observation’ of the car was made, indicating that the warden had the time in which to do that – well, he actually did that for about ten minutes while we stood in the rain and abused him, with me taking photographic evidence of him doing it!

The council told Mr Big that my statutory rights could be affected for getting him involved at such an early stage (really!?), so I asked him if there was any further action required on my part and he said there was not and to come back to him if necessary (in like two years probably!?). I thanked him for his fine work on my behalf and then started to respond to the council regarding their lies but decided against it because I won again – so fuck you Barnet Council, you are petulant, ungracious, lying bullies.




Licence to Bore

What gives people the right to bore me without prior agreement or by arrangement? – ‘Hello, please may I bore you for a while? – ‘No’ – there, we all know where we stand. I appreciate that there’s a fine line between being polite and saying, ‘Can you go away now, you’re boring me.’ Friends can bore each other sometimes but I feel that  is implicit in the rules of  friendship; that if one wants to bore the other, that is fine – you can always talk over each other until you’ve both got your mundane shit off your chest (for a while at least, until you can go and bore some other fucker with it) – I call it OPD – Other People’s Dramas – or OPS – Other People’s Shit. With friends you can say, ‘You’re boring me now, let’s change the subject’. However, when strangers or acquaintances come along, for example, when I’m up the high road shopping or in the supermarket, unless I see them first (and manage to avoid getting bored to tears for maybe up to 15 minutes), they feel they have a licence to bore me rigid. One example is a young man who works in Waitrose, Ubanga – I swear to god that he has been doing his pre GCSEs for the last five years minimum and every time I see him he bores the shit out of me – people who bore cannot read body language or if they do then they choose to ignore it – he tells me what exams he’s failed recently and then he recites his work timetable and his overtime hours and I want to say, ‘Just fuck off! This is my time. I’m not getting paid to stand here and be bored by you! Goodbye’ but I think that would be rude.



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