Posts Tagged ‘Soggy Spliff’

Divine Protection

On Monday it was pissing down. I left the house with my wellies on and my Martin Gerrard umbrella but the wind was so strong that I abandoned the brolly and the only part of me that stayed dry were my feet. Waitrose were out of crumble mix, so I walked up the road to Sainsburys – I know it’s only flour, sugar and butter but I just prefer it in a packet – sadly, the ingredients on the Sainsburys version did not look fit for human consumption. I then walked to Tesco, two miles in the opposite direction. Once you’re soaked to the skin, you can’t get any wetter and it was a really great walk, battling against the elements. As I walked down to Finchley Central, an estate agent’s board came crashing down off the side of a shop in front of me, like really fucking close. Once at Tesco I managed to get the mix and I picked up a chocolate log (something I do love about Christmas, along with Christmas lunch chez La Poppette). As I waded home I was almost hit by a lump of falling masonry. ‘It didn’t touch me’, I shouted to a bunch of people standing outside a Turkish grocer’s shop, who all turned when I screamed, ‘The lord is watching over me!’ For the duration of the walk home I stuck to the kerb, away from the buildings. As I plodded along, I started to ponder the meaning of life and how everything can change in just a moment, like just popping out for a packet of crumble and getting fatally hit on the head by falling debris. I also wondered how people manage to light their fags and actually smoke them in a storm, because my lighter wouldn’t light and my spliff was soaked through.

* LOOKS STURDY ENOUGH TO BE STORM PROOF *

* COULD BE STORM PROOF *

In the interests of breathing

I haven’t walked for a couple of days, mainly through apathy and misty fine rain that is not too pleasant (because it makes my spliff soggy). During the day I realise that I spend large periods holding my breath – suddenly I’ll take a deep breath and think, ‘Ah, that’s better, I’d forgotten to breathe.’ By the evening, noise and chaos abounding around me, it is always a relief to roll my SFW (Spliff For Walk, i.e. a strong one), put on my iPod, pop on my shoes on and walk out of the door, taking my first breath for what could be hours. Once I’ve done a couple of blocks my head clears of all the bollocks of the day. There are so many benefits to exercising outdoors – I can’t stand gyms – I’m sure that walking outside keeps you healthy all year round because you’re out in the elements and not being holed up in some sweat-box with stinky people spreading their germs. Autumn is not great for walking because not only are there slippery leaves; you never know what’s lurking beneath.

** THAT’LL BE RIGHT **

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