I have been suffering really badly with my hands this winter – symptoms include what can only be described as ‘attacks’, where the skin on my fingers feels swollen, burnt and blistered (some worse than others), agony if knocked, painful knuckles where blistered and numb fingertips when cold’. I absolutely hate going to see the GP – just try and get an appointment anyway! – so I have been guessing what I could possibly be suffering from.
I currently have two theories:-
1) Allergy to bleach/detergent – I know this is fucking ridiculous but I occasionally clean the bath and kitchen sink with bleach with my bear hands. However, I have now ruled this out because once I’d recovered from the extensive bleach burns, I had another ‘attack’, leading me to think that it could be the washing up liquid, which I continue to use with no gloves.
2) Typing – this is the worst case scenario – I don’t know whether this is a coincidence but I stopped working just before Christmas and have only just started typing properly again in the last couple of weeks and my hands are in a bad way. The thing is, I don’t think it’s the typing because it doesn’t actually hurt me to type.
BURNT FINGERS
On Friday me, Son and Honey went to a House-builders show at Alexandra Palace. It was kind of like the Ideal Home Show but without any of the good bits. However, there was one stall selling hand-warming devices with massage and infra-red, which Honey suggested could be the answer to my prayers, as he led me into the hands of a second-hand car salesman.
I don’t know what it is with me but I am a sucker for salesmen, I hand myself to them on a plate – I am fascinated by the ‘sales process’ and almost go into a hypnotic state until the sale is closed and then shortly afterwards I’m ‘back in the room’! So I sat down and I allowed myself to be sold to. We got juiced for £129. We asked if there was a show discount but he said there was not because, ‘These sell themselves, so we don’t need to’ – which is a bit beside the point really. With hindsight, I might have said, ‘Nah, we didn’t come for this, it’s a bit pricey, I think I’ll go home, research it and if I think it’s for me, I’ll buy it online’ but as Honey was paying and the vibrations did feel so good, I thought, ‘Fuck it, I’ll have it!’ and we paid full price (at a show!).
The salesman suggested that I use it for 7-10 days, 20 minutes a day and then two or three times a week for ‘maintenance’. So I took it home and used it as advised and it literally burnt all my fingers like ten times worse than they were and then all my fingertips went numb (and over 24 hours later they still feel crap). I should mention that the box it came in was from China. Along with the Chinese writing on one side, the information on the box was written in pigeon English, with no suggestion that it was for any medical purpose, simply a beauty product! However, their stall had been set-up as though it was a bona fide medical device for people with problems with their hands, rather than something that will make your hands ‘shinny like jade’!
So tomorrow I will be going back to the show (with Maureen in tow for support) and tell them that I want my money back because their device is faulty (it must be unless it’s supposed to burn your skin and make your fingertips go numb) and go from there – I am anticipating a war and if there is one, I’m going to win it.
** ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER **
lazypuffhead 
Say what?