Posts Tagged ‘Willpower’

Devil or Angel?

I have a knot in my heart and I have a knot in my stomach. I have a storm going on in my head; it’s a raging debate between my devil and my angel. It’s driving me insane. My devil is saying that maybe I could score a £20 bag tomorrow night and smoke it over the weekend and just abstain during the week, thus only spending £20 a week which, let’s face it, is acceptable. My angel is saying that it is not acceptable within the bounds of my inner agreement, which is to abstain for 12 weeks. This evening Dozy W is coming over and our ritual is to smoke a couple of spliffs together and moan about how we’ve got no money and no life. My devil is saying that I should have a spliff with him and then ask if he could give me a spare one for later when I go for my walk. My angel is sticking to the line of abstinence and suggests that I put myself upstairs out of the way for the duration of his visit, thus removing the temptation to cheat on myself. Argh!!!! I want a spliff so much!!! So today my debate will continue endlessly and then I’ll see who wins; devil or angel?

*** IT’S A WAR ***

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Bottom of the Barrel

Okay, so I went to bed last night, had a good night’s sleep. I woke up this morning and felt a little groggy. I must admit that I do wake up groggy every day, except the first thing I do is go into the garden and take a couple of tokes and balance myself. Of course this morning I did not have my morning spliff. I took Son to school and when I got home had a few errands to run. I grabbed my bag, keys, fags, lighter and felt like I had forgotten something. ‘Oh yeah’, I thought, ‘I’d usually roll a spliff’ and I actually felt relief; relief that I could leave the house without the ritual. I had a good morning, feeling positive and upbeat about my abstinence. However, at 1.00, I had a pang, a great big pang, a pang that made me feel like crying. I needed a spliff. At the very bottom of my weed box was a few crumbs mixed with tobacco, so I skinned it up and smoked it. Instant relief, mixed with sadness – so now I’m stoned AND sad. There is one more spliff at the bottom of my box, it’s only a weeny one. I want to smoke it now. I probably will smoke it very shortly. So, after that one there really is no more left, unless I go hunting around on the floor and in the carpet, looking for  crumbs. So today I must not score under any circumstances. I will not score. I will try my best not to. I will be strong. I will not score.

Day One

I have been inspired to write this blog by my friend who writes the most inspirational, motivational, and hilarious blog I’ve read; whenever I see an entry it makes me laugh – she suggested that I do the same in my own way and to be my authentic self ….

…. which leads me nicely onto my blog name; lazypuffhead, which just rolled off the tongue during our conversation and being a lazy puffhead I couldn’t get my head around thinking of a more suitable name, so I think it must be ideal.

It is being brought to my attention on a daily basis by my long suffering husband (I’ll call him Honey) that I need to get a job.

Fyi, I have been a self employed transcriber since we’ve been married; 20 years now. It was a job that I could do from home (audio typing basically) and make decent money. Over the years my business has dwindled to the point that I’m bringing in very little money (even when I was making okay money I was running up substantial debts) and am now relying heavily on Honey.

I have smoked since I was a teen and have only managed to quit once properly (when I was pregnant with my daughter – I’ll call her Lurky) and to a major extent when I was pregnant the second time (Son is now 11 years old). It is a majorly expensive habit and it has cost my family a lot, not only financially but in many, many other ways too on a daily basis, year after year.

For the last little while I have been having trouble breathing – I’ve put it down to anxiety but let’s face it, how anxious can I really be!!? – I power walk, 6 miles a day, mainly because it helps with my breathing (I really feel it bad if I don’t walk for a few days).

With this in mind I suppose it really is time quit – but I feel totally powerless – every time I have an inkling to stop, I smoke even more, to the point where I really don’t try and it just nags away at me.

Funnily enough, about a month ago I was looking for some support on quitting and I went through the motions of taking advice and making notes and even setting a quit date (which happens to be 2 days from now). During the last month I had a plan which was going to make me ready to quit on the 17th April. However, I did not instigate the plan even though I know it was a good one.

I won’t be setting a new date until I instigate the plan:-

Aim

  • To stop smoking weed and nicotine so that I can breath again.
  • To use my money in more productive and sharing ways.

Plan

  1. Use nicotine patches during the day; don’t smoke anything.
  2. Take the patch off in the evening and smoke a couple of joints.
  3. Do 1. and 2. for one week.
  4. In week 2, do the same thing but only smoke one joint a night.
  5. In week 3, do the same thing but only smoke at the weekend.
  6. Week 4; GIVE UP!!

Scary, huh!?

And on that note I think I will go back to my garden and think about giving up some more.

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via GiantGag.com

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